After months of speculation, the future of an iconic Dobcross landmark has been decided. The much-loved red telephone box in The Square is to be replaced by a blue police box. Once a familiar sight in Britain, the blue police boxes are being rolled out in mainly rural villages like Dobcross as part of the government’s Local Policing Pledge initiative.

 The state-of-the-art box will benefit from free Wi-Fi access to allow police officers to submit surveillance observation reports directly to Central HQ (Uppermill). The box will also house a speed camera, CCTV with the latest face recognition technology & a decibelometer in case anyone talks too loudly on the bench. There will also be a kettle so Bobbies can enjoy their refreshment breaks. It has been suggested that, in the spirit of ‘community involvement’, residents can post small cakes and biscuits through a specially designed serving hatch if they spot an officer ‘in residence’.

 Extra space will be gained when the tunnel network under The Square is opened up, giving police officers direct access to the labyrinth below, thereby making the facilities truly TARDIS-like. However, there is no truth in the rumours that the underground chambers will be used as temporary holding bays for hoodies, rogues & scoundrels. Interfering human rights lawyers fear that some offenders might find it too upsetting to be imprisoned in a cold, damp, rat-infested, subterranean windowless cell.

Anticipating a vocal backlash from irate villagers, a spokesman for the officials declared, “Everyone has a mobile phone these days, so you don’t need the phone box. We understand you don’t like change, so the really drastic proposals have been shelved because it is an election year. And anyway you will still have a traditional British box. Blue isn’t so different from red. We do however accept that the boost to the local economy from increased visitor numbers (primarily coach loads of Doctor Who fans) won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. We suggest cask ale in The Swan instead. We know what’s best for you.”

A special opening ceremony will be performed by John Barrowman singing popular show tunes accompanied by Diggle Youth Band (Reserves) if David Tennant is too busy.

Dobcross will be the first village to see the return of the blue police box in Greater Manchester, although their reintroduction has been a great success in places like Stackton Tressel, Suffolk; Walmington-on-Sea, Kent; Penny Hassett in the Midlands and Effing Sodslaugh in The South.

Objections & comments should be forwarded, via the Dobcross Diary email address (dobcrossdiary@dobx.net) to The Association of Public Resources in Local Funding of Outsourced Legal Services by no later than the first of the month.

 Villagers voice strong reactions vocally…

“Well, it probably won’t be too bad. But I won’t like it.”

- Local person

 “It’s a disgrace. They should spend our money on potholes. I blame the Common Market.” 

- Resident

 “What phone box?”

- Neighbour

 “I prefer custard creams.”

- PC Mark Clough

 “It has recently become my lifelong dream to perform in Dob’s Moss.”

- John Barrowman